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Pollin Picks a Wife 








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THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Pollin Picks a Wife 



A Play in One Act 



By 
WARD MACAULEY 

Author of ^^La-zy Boh Parkins^'' '-^Examination 
Day at Wood Hill School^' ''Mr. Editor,'' etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1915 






COPYRIGKT I915 BY ThE PeNN PUBLISHING COMPANY 



Mlin Picks a Wife C C D I g 1 9 1 5 

©CID 3972'^ 



Pollin Picks a Wife 



CHARACTERS 

Mr. Pollin a scientific ^ejitleman 

Arthur Swift a dashing youth 

Julius Sha^rpe ivilling to take a ciiance 

John Randall a proud father 

Mr. JaMes a guest 

Mary Randall a charming lady 

Miss Simplin a hopeful maiden 

Mrs. Randall a fond i7iamma 

Mrs. Smith of voluminous voice 

Other guests, as desired. 

Time of Playing. — One hour. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

Mr. Pollin is a scientific gentleman who feels that it is 
time to marry. He lias made out a list of three hundred girls, 
and cut out all but three. Out of those three he has finally 
selected Mary Randall, whom he has been calling on now for 
over a year. A careful study of her ancestors and tempera- 
ment has at last brought him to the decision that Mary will 
do. Hurried on a bit by his friend Sharpe and by a rival 
who has appeared on the horizon, he finally comes to the 
point — but he gets a surprise. 



COSTUMES, ETC. 

POLLIN. Tliiity. Very dignified, in irreproachable at- 
tire. 

Arthur. Twenty-five. A handsome and enthusiastic 
young man. 

Sharpe. Thirty-five. Clever and sophisticated. 

Randall. Fifty. A fat matter-of-fact gentleman. 

James. Twenty-five. A lively youth. 

Mary. Twenty-two. A pretty and attractive girl. 

Mrs. Randall. Fifty. Handsomely dressed matronly 
lady. 

Mus. Smith. Thirty -five. Heavy, and of ponderous 
voice. 

Miss Simplin. Thirty. Plain but gushing. 



PROPERTIES 

Two newspapers, framed photograph on the table, some 
heavy volumes in a bookcase and on the table. 



Pollin Picks a Wife 



SCENE. — Library of the home ^ John Randall, evening. 
Entrances c. and l. The library is well furnished a?id 
well filled with books. 

{^Curtain discovers Mr. aiid Mrs. Randall, seated at the 
library table, reading newspaper. Their backs are 
toward each other. ^ 

Mrs. R. {explosively'). Why, the idea ! 

John Randall {chucklitig as he reads). Stole home 
from seconci again. My, that boy's a wonder ! {Reads.) 

Mrs. R. I don't believe it. 

Randall {comino; out of his paper with evident regret). 
Hey! What's that? 

Mrs. R. This scientist says that in fifty years or less 
people won't fall in love, and 

Randall. All going to get sensible, hey? 

Mrs. R. Sensible ! I don't call that sensible. How 
would you ncien like to have your wives picked for you by a 
government bureau ? 

Randall. Well, some of us might get good ones. 

M!<s. R. {severely'^). John ! What do you mean by that 
remark ? 

Randall {^oing back to paper). Oh, nothing — nothing 
at all. 

Mrs. R. The article says a government bureau will ex- 
periiiient to find what kinds of temperaments will be. con- 
genial, and will match people whether they like it or not. 

Randai,!,. Then, if they fiird a lady with the right dis- 
posiiion for me, I'd have to marry her, even if she had a 
face that would curdle cream ? 

Mrs. R. That's the idea. 

Randall. Does that apply to second wives, too ? 

Mrs. R. John 1 What do you mean? 

5 



6 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

Randall. Oh, nothing — nothing at all. Say, you'd 
better show that to young Poliin. 

Mrs. R. {shocked). To whom ? 

Randall. Young Poliin— Mary's friend. He's a great 
chap for those newfangled scientific things. 

Mrs. R. I shall do nothing of the kind, but {jieter- 
miuedly) I am going to have a talk with Mary about Mr. 
Poliin. He has been coming here pretty regularly for a 
year and a half. 

Randall. You'll have to talk soon if you want to say 
anything before the guests get here. And take her some- 
where else, won't you? 1 want to read the score. You 
made me quit with the bases full and two out. 

{^Enter Mary Randall, c.) 

Mrs. R. Mary, your father and I have been speaking 
about you. (Randall afuioyed.) 

Mary. Don't you often speak of me, mother? 

Mrs. R. Yes, but this was exceptional. It was about 
you and Mr. Poliin. 

(Mary appears annoyed!) 

Randall {irritably). I'm going some place where I 
can read in peace. {He slants out, c.) 

Mrs. R. All right, if your score is more important tlian 
your daughter. Mary, I want to talk to you about Mr. 
Poliin. 

Mary. Now, mother, don't you think that we have 
talked about Mr. Poliin enough ? 

Mrs. R. No. Pm going to keep right on talking until 
I get my answer. Does he mean business? That's what 1 
want to know. 

Mary. Business? Mother, how you talk. Can't a girl 
have a friendly interest in a man without everybody's want- 
ing to know if they are going to be married ? 

Mrs. R. Friendly interest? Hear the girl ! Why, yes, 
all the friendly interest you want, but let's know it is friendly 
interest, and nothing more. Now, see here, Mary, would 
you marry Mr. Poliin if he asked you ? 

Mary. Well, Mr. Poliin is certainly a fine man. There 
are lots of things to like about him ; but, mother 

Mrs. R. Well ! 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 7 

Mary. He's so peculiar. He has so many theories. 
Sometimes he seems perfectly splendid, and then again 

Mrs. R. {disgustedly^. Girls nowadays never do know 
their own minds. Now, when I was a girl, I knew your 
father was the one, and when he asked me, I didn't make 
any fuss about its being so sudden, either. 

Mary. I guess times have changed, mother. Don't 
worry. I will attend to Mr. Pollin. 

Mks. R. Well, 1 hope so. He makes me nervous. I 
think I hear him at the door now. I will send him to you 
while 1 look after the other guests. 

{Exit, c.) 

(Mary takes a seat near the table and fijigers a book ivhile 
waiting. After a mome?it Mr. Pollin enters, c.) 

Pollin. Ah, here you are, Mary. Your mother kindly 
suggested I look for you in the library. 

Mary. Won't you sit down ? I was looking at some 
new books father has bought. 

Pollin. I'd like to see them. Hello ! What is this ? 
Ah, a set of Hornung's Scientific Encyclopedia. I didn't 
know your father pursued science. 

Mary. Oh, no, he doesn't, but the agent told him that 
they ought to be in every library, and they are so nicely 
bound and so well illustrated. They are too deep for me, 
though. 

Pollin. Not at all — not at all. You could find nothing 
more delightful than the study of — {taking book from shelf) 
anthropology, for example. The proper study of mankind 
is man, you know. I often think, my dear Mary, how 
edifying it would be for us to pursue the paths of scientific 
research together. Surely pleasant companionship would 
add to the delights of knowledge. 

Mary. I am afraid I shouldn't be an appreciative com- 
panion. 

Pollin. Oh, yes, under my tutelage you would. 

Mary. Every one does not know so much as you do, 
Mr. Pollin. 

PoLi,iN. True, true. Still, any one may learn. It would 
be a great pleasure to instruct you, Mary. Just last week 
I was inveigled into attending a theatrical performance. I 
cannot tell you how bored I was when I might have been 



8 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

home reading what Ferraro says about marriage in Rome 
under the Csesars. 

Mary. There,- some more of the guests are coming. 
Don't you hear Mrs. Smith's voice? She is to sing, you 
know. 

PoLLiN. I think I shall remain here. By the way, 
Mary, perhaps you will remember mentioning that your 
great-grandfather died of heart failure. Did any others in 
your family suffer from the same complaint ? 

Mary. Goodness me, 1 don't know. I must be going. 

(PoLLiN offers to shake hands and gives Mary's a little 
touch of affection before relinquishing it. Mary exits y c. 
PoLLiN is alone for a minute, during ivhich he exa?fiines 
severed of the volumes attentively, at one time ejaculating 
^'Rubbish f before replacing the vohnne.) 

{Enter Randall.) 

Randall. Ah, here you are, Pollin. We have been 
looking for you. The folks are arriving. 

Pollin. A very interestmg set of books you have here. 

{Indicates the Scientific Encyclopedia.') 

Randall. I guess so. -Looks good on the slielf, any- 
way. The book agent told me Jenkins bought a set, and I 
can't let him get ahead of me. By the way, Mr. Pollin, 
I am glad I found you alone. There is a little matter I 
have intended to speak about. 

Poi.LiN. Yes? 

Randall. I'm blunt and to the point, no beating around 
the bush with me. You've been a pretty frequent caller 
here for the past two years. 

Pollin. A year and a half, I think. 

Randall. A year and a half, then. 

Pollin. I admit it. I hope \ have been welcome. 

Randall I guess you haven't been in my way particu- 
larly, but this is the point: your being around has kept 
other young fellows away more or less, you know. 

Porj.iN. I cannot conceive of any particular reason 

Randall. We face a condition, not a theory. The 
point is, are your inclinations toward Mary, or do you call 
merely as a friend of the ftmiily ? 

Pollin. Why, neither, exactly, and yet both. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 9 

Randall. Neither ? Both ? 
PoLLiN. Let me narrate tlie history of the case. 
Randall. Go ahead, but remember the folks out tliere, 
{Points.) 

Pollin. Some two years ago I suddenly confronted the 
conviction that it was my duty to marry. The question 
arose, to whom? 1 carefully considered the list of my ac- 
quaintances, discarding those that were entirely undesirable 
or obviously unattainable. My original list consisted of some 
three hundred names. 

Randall. Three hundred names ? Say — that's going 
some. 

Pollin. Yes, I put on that list practically every young 
woman I knew, and some that I did not, but whose ac- 
quaintance I felt would not be attended by particular dif- 
ficulty. I then used a number of tests in a process of elimi- 
nation until the list was brought down to a dozen names. 

Randall. My boy, you have a great head. Then 
what ? 

Pollin. I cultivated these ladies in a social way. 
Shortly the list diminished to four. Among these, a choice 
was difficult. Finally, I learned that one's grandfather had 
died of asthma and the aunt of another had been notable for 
an irritable disposition. That brought the list to two, one 
of whom, I must confess, was eliminated by personal prefer- 
ence. It was a weakness, of course. Then I faced the 
question — " Shall it be Mary Randall ? " That is the prob- 
lem I am wrestling with, and I need all the light I can get. 

Randall {blankly). Well, I'll be darned. Now, that's 
all very well, but does my daughter understand that you are 
maintaining an option on her? 

Pollin. I do not look at the matter in that light. No 
hasty steps would be advisable. 

Randall. I see. Well, it's evident you won't be hasty. 
We must be getting back. The guests are expecting us. 
Besides, Mrs. Smith is to sing. 

Pollin. I prefer looking over your books. 

Randall. No, sir, we won't have people talk about your 
sneaking away from company. 

Po[j,iN. Where can I find such company as this? 

{Moves hand toward the shelves. Pollin reluctantly al- 
lows himself to be led aivay by Randall. Exeunt ^ c.) 



10 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

{Enter Julius Sharpe and Mr. James, l.) 

Sharpe. Now, speak up. Money talks, my boy. You 
said that you were willing to bet that PoUin won't be mar- 
ried for five years. Now make good. 

James. That was only idle conversation. 

Sharpe. You can't make conversation with me, son. 
I'll tell you what i'U do. I'll go you one better. I'll bet 
you that Mr. PoUin is married within a year. 

James. He's too slow for that. 

Sharpe. Not when he's made up his mind, he isn't. Do 
you take me up? 

James. Sure, and your ten is as good as in my pocket- 
book. 

Sharpe. That's the third bet I've booked to-night. 
Five even that Mrs. Smith sings at least six songs, five even 
that it rains before morning. I'll tell you what I'll do. Pll 
bet you one dollar against five that the first man that comes 
into the ofiEice to-morrow is bald-headed. 

James. You're the limit, Julius. 

Sharpe (at the door). Is it a bet? 

(Exeunt, c.) 

(After a moment Pollin enters quietly y c. , and sits dow7i at 
the table. He picks up a book and throws it aside con- 
temptuously. Finally he discovers one that absorbs him 
completely. He pauses momentarily and goes to the door. 
Mrs. Smith's booming voice is heard. He closes the door 
in sharp disgust and resumes his seat, becoming so inter- 
ested that he fails to hear Mary when she enters, c.) 

Mary. Oh, Mr. Pollin, you are deserting us. 

Pollin (confused and surprised). Just for a moment, 
just for a moment. A most interesting book — *' The Theory 
of Marriage in the Evolution of the Human Race." How 
did you come to have it? 

Mary. Father got it and five others as a premium with 
the '* Monthly Opinion " — you know, so much down and 
two dollars a month. I hope Mrs. Smith didn't notice my 
absence. She sings well, doesn't she? 

Pollin. Voluminously, I should say. 

Mary. Father is going to bring the people to see his 
books. 

Pollin. You are certainly a charming girl, Mary. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE II 

Mary {coquettishly). Thank you so much, kind sir, and 
now 1 ihink 1 had belter join the others. 

PoLLiN. No, sit down, Mary. 1 have something to say 
to you. 

Mary. To me? What can the learned gentleman wish 
to say to humble me ? 

PoLLiN. It has often occurred to me that we are con- 
genial in many ways. 

Mary. 1 am very sure that we are, Mr. Pollin. 

PoLLiN. There is something I have intended to say to 
you for some time. 

Mary. Yes? 

Pollin. You have no doubt noted that I have called 
more or less frequently during the last year and a half? 

Mary. No more than you have been welcome, I am 
sure. 

Pollin. I feel free to confess that I have been consider- 
ing whether we might not be suited to each other for a more 
permanent relationship. 

Mary [aside). Oh, dear, I believe he is going to pro- 
pose. 

Pollin. It is a question that requires a great deal of 
thought. 

Mary. Yes, indeed. 

Pollin. You cannot blame me for going over the ground 
thoroughly before taking a positive position. 

Mary [puzzled^. Of course not. 

Pollin. Marriage should not be lightly entered into. 
For their own sakes, as well as for the sake of society at 
large, people should be very sure that the union is entirely 
suiL^ble. 

Mary. They certainly should. 

Pollin. I have had the matter on my mind for some 
time, and I have done a little investigating. 

Mary. Investigating ? Why, Mr. Pollin, you talk as 
though love were a sort of detective bureau. 

Pollin. Anyway, I have been investigating, to the de- 
gree I believe necessary, f^imily history, all that sort of 
thing. Besides, I have endeavored to learn from your friends 
what are your predominating traits. I have analyzed my- 
self with a view to ascertaining my own. 

Mary. Predominating traits. Maybe I haven't any. 
How can a person judge his own qualities ? 



12 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

POLLIN. He can if he proceeds without any bias in his 
own favor. Anyway, as I said, .1 have tried to see whether 
or not we properly supplement each other. Mere fascina- 
tion must not take the place of these higher motives. 

Mary {pi/zz/ed). Oh, certainly not. 

PoLLiN. i'm glad we agree. I thought — indeed it has 
been called to my attention — that possibly some explanation 
might be expected. That is wliy I am speaking in this way. 
My investigations are progressing nicely, and 1 can safely 
say that everything points to a satisfactory conclusion. 
Still, I must tell you that up to this minute 1 have not 
reached a final decision. 

Mary. Do you mean that you are studying me? 

POLLIN. 1 do. 

Mary. ** Obj. mat.," I suppose? (Smi/es.) 

PoLLiN. I'm afraid I don't 

Mary. Object matrimony, as they say in the advertise- 
ments. 

PoLLiN (^guardedly'). Perhaps. 

Mary {laughing). Oh, Mr. Pollin, you are delicious. 
But, really, you know, a girl doesn't like to be analyzed as 
you would a flower or some new kind of beetle. She wants 
love and chivalry, and 

POLLIN. Now, let us not be silly, Mary. I think I do 
love you, but I must, it is my highest duty to, keep control 
of my emotions until my. reason gives consent. 

Mary. Some time, Mr. Pollin, you will realize that love 
is greater than reasoning or investigations or — or — anything 
in the whole world. I'm not a learned professor or anything, 
but I know that. Now 1 must be getting back, and you had 
better come with me. 

PoLLiN. In five minutes, my dear Mary, I promise you. 
I am at a most vital point. 

Mary. Well, five minutes, no more. 

{Enter Arthur Swift, c. ) 

Arthur. Ah, here you are. I've been looking every- 
where for you. Hello, Pollin. My, you look soleip.n. 

Mary. We've been having a most weighty conversation, 
haven't we, Mr. Pollin? {Lat/ghs.) 

Pollin (grave/y). We have. 

Mary. All about science and predominating traits and — 
things. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE I3 

Arthur. Dear me. I'm afraid I have butted in. 

Mary. Oh, not at all. We had quite finished for the 
present. Mr. Pullin is going to make some further investi- 
gations and let me know the result. (^Laughs.) Come on, 
Mr. Swift. 

{Exit Mary, c, latigJiing, followed by Arthur.) 

PoLLiN. Dear me, is she angry ? Women are odd, 
very odd. I must speak to her more in the terms of her 
comprehension. {He reads.) 

{Enter Sharpe, C.) 

Sharpe. Ah, Pollin, old boy, I have caught you. What 
are you hiding in here for ? Come on, Mrs. SmiUi is going 
to sing again. 

Pollin. I prefer to remain here. 

Sharpe. Oh, tut ! We can't always do as we prefer, 
my boy. We owe something to the conventions of society. 

Pollin. A scientific man is above such things. 

Sharpe. Is he? Well, maybe, but wait dll you are 
married, then you'll get down to earth. That's what you 
need. 

Pollin. I don't understand you. 

Sharpe. No, very few people do. But to get back to 
my argument, you ouo;ht to get married. 

Pollin. I agree with you, Sharpe. Marriage is a duty 
a man owes to himself and to society. The family during 
the ages has become the unit of civilization. 

Sharpe. Gee, that's a hot one. Say it again and say it 
slow. 

Pollin. It is best that a man should live not alone, but 
as a part of a social unit. 

Sharpe. Now you're talking. Why not up and do it? 

Pollin. In contemplating marriage, a man should give 
due consideration to whether the alliance he is contemplat- 
ing is an entirely proper one. 

Sharpe. You couldn't do better, old man. Mary's a 
peach. 

Por.LiN. A peach ? 

Sharpe. Yes, and you have been tagging after her for 
nearly two years. 

Pollin. A year and a half, Sharpe, if you please. 



H 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 



Sharpe. Long enough, anyway. Why not up and ask 
her? 

PoLLiN. This matter should be given due thought. One 
should not take a leap m the dark. 

Sharpe. No danger, my boy, no danger. Compared 
to you, a snail could be arrested for violating the speed 
ordinances. 

PoLLiN. I have looked into the family history with a 
gicat deal of care, and 1 must say that the record is excellent. 

Shakpe. You haven't any perpetual option on Mary, 
you know. Yuu had better get busy or you will have to 
continue your investigations on some other girl. 

PuLLiN. i think that Mary understands the situation. 
Right now, 1 admit 1 could love her if 1 let myself go, but 
1 realize that my first duty is to keep myself from any 
alliance that is not for the best good of society at large. 
You will see, Sharpe, before many years, organized society 
will not permit people to enter into hasty and unsuitable 
marriages. Possibly even matrimonial arrangements will be 
entered into only by governmental supervision. 

Sharpe. Well, 1 move that you be appointed the head 
of the new department. But take my advice and get busy. 
1 really believe Mary is fond of you. 

PoLLiN {/ui/f eagerly). Do you think so ? Ah, but this 
is a weakness. If I arrive at the conclusion that Mary is 
the wife for me, I will love her, but otherwise 1 cannot, 
must not. (Sharpe throws open the door quickly. Mrs. 
Smith's raucous voice cati be heard.) 1 beseech you, close 
that door. 

Sharpe. You have no soul for music. 

PoLLiN. At any rate, keep that door closed. 

Sharpe. That was her final trill. 1 guess 1 win my bet. 

PoLLiN. Your bet? 

Shakpe. Yes, that Mrs. Smith would sing at least six 
pieces to-night. That's her fourth up to date. Hear the 
applause. 

(Zr<? throivs the door open and applause is heard.) 

PoLLiN {gazing at his watch). I must go. I promised 
Mary to be there in five minutes. 
Sharpe {opening door). Too late. 
PoLLiN. But 1 pledged my word. 
Sharpe. Too late. They are coming out here now. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 1 5 

{Efiter Randall, c, followed by James, Mrs. R., Miss 
SiMPLiN and guesls.) 

Randall. This is the hbrary, and some library, too. 

Miss S. Isn't it perfectly fascinating? 

Randall. Quite so, quite so. You will find here books 
on every subject. I don't read 'em myself. When i get 
home at night I'm too tired. I look over the paper and 
then I'm ready for bed. But Mary reads some. And any- 
way, a fellow ought to have a library, you know. 

Miss S. When I am married, i shall surely have books. 

Sharpe {to James). " When " is right. 

Randall. Just got me a set of George Eliot. A first- 
class author, though he did cut up some high jinks, from 
what they tell me. They say his books are all right, though. 

{^E titer Mary and Arthur, c. They retfiain up l. talking.^ 

Miss S. Why, George Eliot's works are simply magnifi- 
cent. I read them over and over again. 

Randall. Here is a set of Dickens, thirty volumes. 
How any one could write as much as that is beyond me. 

Sharpe. He wrote it for so much a column. The more 
he wrote the more they paid him. 

Miss S. What an awful way to think about it, Mr. 
Sharpe. How very sordid ! 

Randall. It fills up a shelf, anyway. 

Mrs. Smith {booming voice). Everybody ought to have 
a library. 

Miss S. I just adore books. 

Randall. Wasn't Mrs. Smith in magnificent voice 
to-night? 

Sharpe. Quite the contrary. I think the magnificent 
voice was in Mrs. Smith. {He bows grandiloquently to the 
singer^ who acknowledges with a lofty curtsey. Aside to 
James.) It must be in her, because I didn't hear any come 
out, 

(Arthur is completely monopolizing Mary. His interest 
in her is the prominent point in the scene. Others are 
glancing at books. Pollin is much absorbed in the same 
book as on his previous appearance.) 

Randall. If a fellow hasn't knowledge in his head, he 
can have all he wants in his library. 



l6 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

Sharpe. Pollin seems greatly interested in something 
there. 

Mrs. S. Quite so. 

Miss S. He is completely enveloped. 

Sharpe. 1 say, Pollin ! {No answer.') 

Several {loudly). Pollin ! 

Randall. Oh, Mr. Pollin ! 

Pollin. Did some one speak ? I fear I was absorbed. 

Sharpe. You were. This is a party, Mr. Pollin. You 
owe some of your brilliance to the guests. Chirp up — 
chatter ! 

Miss S. {aside to Mrs. S.). What was he reading? 

Mrs. S. Oh, some book about scientific marriage, you 
know. 

Miss S. He ought to try some practical experience. 

{She looks significaiitly at Mary.) 

Mrs. S. There seems to be more than one string to her 
bow. 

Sharpe. Also more than one beau on the string. 

Miss S. Oh, Mr. Sharpe, you are so clever. Your wit 
is absolutely instantaneous. 

Sharpe. I've got a bet up he marries in a year. 

Miss S. Did you mean to any one person in particular ? 

Sharpe. No. Just that he's married. He seems to be 
making quite a study of the subject. 

(Pollin is again absorbed, while Arthur is in animated 
conversation with Mary.) 

Randall. We had better get back to the parlor — er — 
living-room and have some more music. 

Sharpe. Fine. That's me. Say, did you know we're 
a musical bunch up to our house? 

Randall. How so? 

Sharpe. Name's Sharpe, live in a flat, get a note from 
mother-in-law, no more rests, hard to be natural, omit all 
bars, skilful touch, soft pedal, can't get a key and harmony's 
all gone. 

Miss S. Isn't he the cutest thing ? I always said I wanted 
to marry a witty man. 

Sharpe. Too late, too late, Miss Simplin. Pm off" the 
market. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE I7 

(Led dy RAiiB ALL ^he guests exeunt, c. Mrs. R. goes out l. 
PoLLiN is brought to his feet by Sharpe a7id escorted outy 
ajnong the last. Mary turns to follow, but Arthur 
restrains her and t/iey remain after the otiiers have gone.) 

Arthur {as the last guest is leaving). Just a moment, 
Mary. I want to see you. I must see you. ' 

Mary. Well, what is it, Mr. Swift? 

Arthur. You know what it is, Mary. I love you, and 
I just had to lell you, that's all. If you hadn't stayed here, 
1 would have told you in there in front of them ail. You 
are the only girl for me, and the only one there ever will be. 

Mary. Why, you've hardly known me a week. 

Arthur. I know, but it seems as if I had known you 
forever. 1 used to make fun of love at first sight, but the 
moment I met you I understood what poets meant about 
meeting your fate. 

Mary. We must get back. They will miss us. 

Arthur. What does it matter? What does anything 
maiter but love? I don't listen to what they say. lean 
hardly see them. All I realize is you, you, you. 

Mary. Dear me, this is serious. 

Arthur. Serious? I should say it is serious. This is the 
biggest thing I ever had happen to me. Mary, you ought 
to see me at the office. 

Mary. I have, 1 think 

Arthur. But not since you've known me. I hustle 
around as though inspired, and I am, as far as that goes. 
They've given me one raise already and promised me 
another. 

Mary. I'm glad. 

Arthur. So I think I'm perfectly justified in telling you 
I love you. Will you marry me? 

Mary. Why, Mr. Swift 

Arthur. Why not Arthur? 

Mary. Arthur, then. We've known each other only a 
week. I may not be at all the girl you think I am. 

Arthur. Oh, yes, you are. 

Mary. Now, Mr. Pollin's different. (Laughs.) He's 
making a careful study of me to see if I am what he took me 
to be. He not only studies me, but the whole family and 
all our ancestors as far back as he can find out. 

Arthur. Yes, and if you wait for Pollin to figure it out. 



1 8 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

you'll get married in another incarnation. What does he 
know about love — with all his scientific theories of fitness ? 

Mary. Mr. PoUin is a very fine uian, and he has been 
very attentive. 

Arthur. Bother ! If I had been attentive to another 
woman fifty years and then saw you, i would drop her like 
a hot coal. 

Mary. Why, Arthur, how derelict in your duty ! 

Arthur. It's no use teasing me, Mary ; 1 love you, 
always have — for a week — and always will. I'll keep on 
a^.l<ing you until you say yes. 

Mary. Well, you're a very precipitate young man. 
Anyway, we won't talk about it any more just now. 

Arthur. 1 am not indifferent to you ? 

Mary {Jiesitatiug~). Why, no, not indifferent 

Arthur. I don't see how you could help liking me a 
little when I love you such a lot. 

Mary. Do you know Bertha Smylie? 

Arthur {witJi a wry face). Yes. Why? 

Mary. She might love you a lot. W^ould that make you 
love her ? 

Arthur. That's altogether different. 

Mary. Oh, no 

Arthur. Well, it is, and I want you to tell me I can 
hope. 

Mary. Dear me, how impetuous ! I must be going 
now. 

(^Exit, hurriedly, "L. Arthur /i/i,<^ers a momefif. He sees a 
picture ^t/'Mary on tlie table and kisses it rapturously.) 

{Enter Sharpe, c.) 

Sharpk. Ah, ha, my boy, caught in the act. What are 
you doing out here when Mrs. Smith is singing? 

Arthur. Is Mrs. Smith singing ? 

Sharpe [opening the door). Not at all. (Mrs. S.'s 
booviing voice is heard. ) I know what you were doing. A 
certain young lady 

Arthur. Isn't she a peach, Julius? 

Sharpe. With cream, my boy, and you're not allowing 
any grass to grow under your feet, I observe. Let me see, 
how long have you known this fair damsel ? 

Arthur {seriously). 1 met Mary a week ago to-night. 
I shall never forget it as long as 1 live. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 



19 



Sharpe. Quite so. But remember the race is not always 
to the swift. 

Arthur. If she says no, I shall never marry. 

Sharpe {laughing). And you've known her a whole 
week. 

Arthur. I can never know her better. 

Sharpe. Why, Pollin has made a scientific study of her 
for nearly two years, and he doesn't know her yet. 

Arthur. Poor Pollin. He is doomed to disappoint- 
ment. 

Sharpe. Won't find her the proper party, eh? 

Arthur. Oh, he'll decide to marry her all right, but too 
late. 

Sharpe. Dear me, how impetuous is young love ! 

Arthur. Now, that's all right. But just watch me. 

Sharpe. With both eyes. Come, let's go back. Bad 
form, sneaking away the moment Mrs. Smith opens her 
mouth. 

Arthur. I had other business. 

Sharpe. I see. {Exeunt^ c. After a uiomeiit^ Pollin 
enters, c, and taki?ig tip his book, is quickly absorbed. 
Sharpe enters, c. Sharpe, excitedly.) Say, better make 
up your mind, old man. 

Pollin. I have — ahnost. 

Sharpe. Swift is after your girl — after her like a house 
afire. 

Pollin, Swift? Dear me, that frivolous fellow. Why, 
Mary would never give him a second thought. 

Sharpe. Don't you be too sure. Pve seen a thing or 
two. 

Pollin. Still, it may be as well to accelerate matters a 
trifle. 1 have practically decided that Mary and I are tem- 
peramentally fitted to form a proper marriage. Her family 
history is satisfactory — yes, I think I shall mention the mat- 
ter at the first convenient opportunity. 

Sharpe. Oh, hop to it ! Love should make its own op- 
portunities. 

Pollin. I shall find a way. 

Sharpe. You do love Mary. 

Pollin. Why, I 

Sharpe. Of course you do. 

Pollin. I suppose I do, when it comes to that. 

Sharpe. Swift says she is a peach. 



20 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

POLLIN. I cannot conceive any reseuiblance. 

Shahpe. Anyway, take my advice and pop the question. 

PoLLiN. Pop the question ? 

Shakpe. Yes, that's always the proper order. First, 
pop the question, then question the pop. Remember, I'm 
looking for action, my boy ! 

{Exeuni, c.) 

{Efiter Mary atid MpxS. R., l.) 

Mrs. R. Has he proposed yet ? 

Mary. Who? 

Mrs. R. Who? Mr. PoUin, of course. How many 
offers are you expecting ? 

Mary. Why, no, he hasn't exactly. 

Mrs. R. Exactly? What do you mean, child? Either 
a man proposes or he doesn't. 

Mary. He hinted that he might some day. 

Mrs. R. Some day ? I've seen a mule that you couldn't 
move without lighting a fire under him. 1 made your father 
start a fire under Mr. Pollin. 

Mary. Why, mother, 1 don't want to be forced on Mr. 
Pollin. 

Mrs. R. {astofiished). You always told us you liked 
Mr. Pollin. 

Mary. I do. He's a fine man. 

Mrs. R. Maybe, but if he gets into this family, he'll 
step livelier. I'll see to that. 

{Ex a Mrs. R., c.) 

Mary {callinor). Oh, mother ! (Mrs. R. reappears.) 
Don't you like Arthur Swift ? 

Mrs. R. Oh, so that's what you're thinking about, is it ? 
Well, I must say he has some get up and go to him, any- 
vv^ay. 

Mary. He seems so clever and — and so much in earnest. 

Mrs. R. If you love him, honey, I'll back you up. 

{Exit Mrs. R., c. M-kv^x pauses a second as though look- 
ing over the books.) 

{Enter Arthur, c.) 

Arthur. Isn't this just great? I thought you might be 
here, and you are and alone. This is great luck. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 21 

Mary. We must join the others. 

Arthur. Others? There are no others, just you and 
me. That's tiie way 1 feel. And there's not a whole lot of 
me, eitlier, 

Mary {demurely). You look like quite a little. 

Arthur. A hundred and seventy-five pounds. But, 
Mary, I feel as though just you and I are facing a great big 
crisis. Nothing else matters, only us. {He endeavors to 
put an arm around her, but she gently discourages him.) 
I've known you only a week, but 1 know I'll love you as 
long as I live, and if you care for me a tenth part as much 
as 1 care for you, you'll love me an awful lot 

Mary. But, Arthur, consider 

Arthur. Consider? When you see a diamond lying 
around loose, you don't consider. You grab it, if you can. 
I want you, 1 need you, I don't have to take a university 
course to teach me it is you I want. Tell me you're not 
indifferent. 

Mary. I did 

{The door, c, opens slightly and Miss ^.'s face is seen. 
Arthur and Mary are unconscious of it.) 

Arthur. Say you love me a litde bit. 

Mary. Why, you impudent 

Arthur. Impudent? Yes, but you like me. Now, 
little girl, learn your little lesson. Say, <* I love you a 
little bit." 

Mary. I'm not sure. 

Arthur. Honest ? 

Mary. Well, I guess maybe 

Arthur. Of course you do. Hurray-de-boom-de-dah ! . 
Come on, everybody. 

(Mary hastily claps a hand over his mouth.) 

Mary. Whatever are you thinking about? I didn't 
admit a thing, 

Arthur. Yes, you did. Going to tell all the folks. 
Can't keep the good news to myself. I'm just bubbling 
over. 

Mary. We'll keep quiet about it for a while, anyway. 

Arthur. You can't keep me quiet unless you padlock 
my oratorical apparatus. 



22 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

Mary. Better be careful, young man. Remember, I 
©Illy said I loved you a littie bit. 

(Miss S.'s face is withdrawn.') 

Arthur. I'll be so quiet a clam might call me brother. 

Mary {with mock severity'). See that you do. Let us 
go back before they begin talking 

Arthur. I hope 

Mary. And don't you look so ridiculously happy. Any- 
body could guess something was up. (Arthur turns dowfi 
the corners of his inoiith, but a smile conquers and he laughs 
again.) Now, you do as you're told, or I'll take back 
everything 1 said. 

(She takes him by the ar7n and they exeunt, c. ) 

{^Enter Pollin and Sharpe, l.) 

Sharpe. a word to the wise is plenty. If you want the 
girl, you'd better step lively. 

Pollin. What is the emergency ? 

Sharpe. Swift is buzzing around her as busy as a bee, I 
tell you. 

Pollin. Surely you don't take Swift seriously. 

Sharpe. Never mind what I think. It's what Mary 
thinks. 

Pollin. But logically 

Sharpe. 1 know — logically, but remember, ray dear 
fellow, we are discussing a lady. 

Pollin. I utterly decline to recognize this absurd — eh — 
ah — Mr. Speed 

Sharpe. Swift. 

Pollin. Swift, then, and his ridiculous pretentions. 
However, perhaps it will be for the best, now that I am 
practically certain of my ground, to take a positive position. 

Sharpe. Take it from me, I would. And I hope she 
gives her gracious consent. 

Pollin. Mary understands the situation perfectly. 

Sharpe. I'll tell her you wish to see her. 

(Zr<? exits rapidly, c. Pollin is not at all disturbed^ but 
awaits her coining in complete calmtiess.) 

{Enter Mary, c.) 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 



23 



Mary. Mr. Sharpe says you wish to see me. 

PoLLiN. 1 do. Mary, I have given the matter we spoke 
of my most earnest consideration. 

Maky {anxious). Oh, have you ? 

PoLLiN. Yes. 1 have reached a conclusion, 

Mary {faintly). Indeed. 

PoLLiN. I am convinced, after a thorough study of the 
harmonious elements in human nature and a rigid analysis 
of your traits and my own that we are approximately fit and 
logical life companions for each other. 

Mary. Oh, do you think so? 

PoLLiN. Yes. 1 arrived at this decision not because of 
any mere casual liking or hasty infatuation, but by a most 
scientific examination of the deepest currents of human life. 
I ask you to corroborate my finding. Will you be my wife ? 

Mary. Oh, Mr. Pollin, 1 

PoLLiN. Let us be sensible, Mary. This is no time for 
sentimental hesitation. We must face these questions as 
they arise. 

Mary. I cannot marry you. 

PoLLiN. Cannot ? Let me present the matter again. 

Mary. No. I cannot^ must not let you say anything 
more. Listen — a month ago, had you asked me tiiis ques- 
tion, I do not know what my answer might have been. I 
have always liked you. You know that. 1 respected your 
ideas and theories, though I hardly felt I completely under- 
stood them. 

Pollin. Let me explain — — 

Mary. Not now. Don't you remember what I told you ? 
Love counts more than all the investigation. 

Pollin. I know, Mary, but 1 do love you. 

Mary. Perhaps you think you do, Mr. Pollin, but when 
love really comes, you don't think about it. You know it. 
I thought perhaps I liked you well enough to say yes to 
your question, but when love really came, I knew it and saw 
that it was greater than all the scientific theories in the world. 

PoLLiisr. But I do love you, Mary. I do, really, I am 
sure of it. In fact, I am willing to admit that love is very 
important 

Mary. Don't you understand, Mr. Pollin? I am 
pledged to some one else. 

Pollin {aghast). Whom, may I ask? 

Mary. Why, yes. It's Arthur Swifts 



24 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 

PoLLiN. Arthur Swift ! Why, you told me you met him 
only a week ago 



Mary. That is true, but 



PoLLiN. A week ! How could he really know you, 
know whether you are at all fitted for each other, even were 
he inclined to investigate, which 1 very much doubt. 

Mary. He seems to know. 

PoLLiN. Mary, I am more disappointed than I can say. 
1 realize now how much you really are to me. Accept my 
superior judgment in this matter. Do not let a hasty action 
spoil your entire life. Let me examine Mr. Swift's charac- 
ter and report. You can trust me to be impartial. Then 
and not till then make your final decision. 

Mary (Jzindly but firmly^. No. I'm sorry, Mr. Pollin, 
but it must be no. Some day you will meet the real woman 
of your choice, and you won't spend five minutes analyzing 
her character. You will just know — that's all. 

Pollin. Pleasant, but hardly reasonable — or scientific, 
Mary. 

(^Etiter all the other guests excitedly y c, and Mrs. R. at l.) 

Miss S. Isn't it perfectly delicious ! And when will you 
be married ? 

Mary. Who? 

Several. Why, you and Arthur, of course. 

Arthur {to Mary). I didn't breathe a word, honest, I 
didn't. 

Mary. Who did, then ? 

Arthur. Miss Simplin says she happened to be in the 



next room 

Mary. Well, when she knows, everybody knows. 
Mrs. R. {^oing toy\.^\ci'). My dearest child. 
Mrs. S. What I want to know is, is it true? 
Mary. We have nothing for publication. 
Mrs. S. But you don't deny it? 
Mary. ) t.^ 
Arthur. I No-o- 

Randall {going to them). Well, here's my blessing, 
right off the bat. 

Pollin {to Sharpe). A year and a half wasted. I'll 
have to begin again on some girl a great deal like Mary 

Arthur {overhearing). There isn't any girl like Mary 
in the whole world. 



POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 



25 



PoLLiN {to Sharpe). Do you know, Miss Siiiiplin seems 
to me quite a remarkable woman ? 

Sharpe. Very — remarkable. 

Randall (Jo Sharpe). Better congratulate the boy, 
-Julius. 

(PoLLiN has turned to Miss S.) 

Sharpe. I guess not. It makes my ten dollars look bad. 

James. Might as well pay up, Julius. He bet ten dol- 
lars that PoUin would be married in a year. 

Sharpe {loo ki fig at Pollin a/id Miss S. signijicantly). 
I'm not giving up yet. To you, my boy {to Arthur), let 
me warn you, marriage is a grab bag; more blanks than 
prizes, too. 

Arthur. I'm lucky, then. I'm getting a first prize. 

{He puts an arm around Mary.) 

Sharpe. Maybe. Tell me ten years from now. And 
to you, my dear friend Pollin, let me say, he that investi- 
gates is lost ; or in other words you must fire while the bird 
is still in the air. 

Randall {to Arthur). Say, son, what I like about you 
is that you do move suddenly ! 

{All crotvd around Arthur and Mary, congratulating them.) 

Pollin {to Miss S.). Will you be home next Tuesday 
evening? 

Miss S. Oh, Mr. Pollin ! 

(She gurglifigly assents as the curtain falls.) 



curtain 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
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GRADUATION DAY AT Vi^OOD HILL SCHOOL, 

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Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
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A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
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